Saturday, May 10, 2008

Mother's Day Reflection

As I look forward to celebrating my first mother’s day of having a child in my arms, I can’t help but reflect on where I was at one year ago. WARNING: This blog post may be longer and more gushy and emotional than what our usual blog posts are.
It was in March of 2007 that we lost a baby….a baby that we never even got to meet or hold in our arms. Even though the pregnancy ended fairly early on, we had already had ample opportunity to hope and dream of what it would be like to plan for a little one coming into our lives. We had told our families and a handful of close friends, but otherwise had kept it to ourselves wanting to wait until we had passed the first trimester. Two weeks shy of that, we lost the baby.
Every woman probably fears that something could go wrong during a pregnancy, but I was unprepared for dealing with the emotional loss and was even really upset with God for awhile. I still don’t understand why He would allow us to embrace the idea of becoming parents and get excited about it and then take it back away…..and even further, I don’t understand why He allows 14-year olds and drug addicts to carry a pregnancy full-term when they are in no position to do so and have no desire to do so, but yet doesn’t allow a woman longing for a child to be able to conceive at all! But I know, God is God, and I will probably never understand.

I still remember last year’s Mother’s Day. It was about a month and a half after we had lost the pregnancy. I felt like I had begun to heal, but I knew Mother’s Day would be a setback for me. I remember fighting back tears all throughout the church service, totally consumed with what I didn’t have and the fact that this day would feel very different, and full of joy, instead of bitterness and pain, if I had still been carrying that baby. As I left the sanctuary that day, feeling good that I had held it together and stayed strong, a woman approached me and asked me how I was doing (she was unaware of our recent loss, as was most of our church). I lost it. I began bawling and babbling and sharing with her my heavy heart. Even though this woman had shown care for me and Adam was being very supportive and nurturing, I remember feeling incredibly alone that afternoon. I thought maybe one of the few people who might understand what I was going through that day would be a good friend of mine who had been struggling with getting pregnant for quite a long time. Surely she would be able to identify with my feelings of sadness and disappointment and the pity party that I had thrown for myself. After less than a minute on the phone, she excitedly shared that they had just found out that she was pregnant a few days before. While I was truly thanking God for her current situation, it threw me into a deeper hole of hurt and loneliness. Even today, I still ache and am on the verge of tears as I think about what I was experiencing during that time.

Fast forward to today. We have a healthy and beautiful little boy that has already given us tremendous joy! I was actually pregnant on that last Mother’s Day, but not yet aware of it! I’m incredibly grateful that God has allowed us to bring a child into this world and to experience all that we have. I do think that if it was up to me, I wouldn’t have chosen to have to go through the heart-wrenching pain and disappointment of losing a baby. Yep, pretty sure of that. But it wasn’t up to me. God allowed us to experience that pain and while I can attempt to make a list of what I’ve been able to gain from it, I’ll probably still never understand why God allows certain things to happen. But I do know that God is in control and as long as I continue to keep Him in the center of my life and seek to follow Him, He’s gonna uphold me and bless me beyond what I could ever imagine. And I'm incredibly thankful that I have the opportunity to enjoy this Mother's Day with a sweet little baby.


Phil & Michelle S. said...

What a touching post, babe---I am so happy for you and Adam and Landon, now!! Happy Mother's Day!!

Adam's mom said...

I love you!

Anonymous said...

Becca, I lost a baby 32 yrs ago in march and I still grieve at the loss but it is not so painful anymore. You just wonder what he/she would of been like today. I thank the Lord for all things and Yes he does know best for us.It was a little boy also who would of brought great joy to me and his sibilings.

Paula, Bobby, Rebekah, and Sarah said...

I went through the same thing. It wasn't around mother's day that I lost the baby, but I struggled with the same, "How can other people get pregnant and carry babies they don't want" etc. My own sister had gotten pregnant at 17. I had a hard time letting the church comfort us. I just wanted to be left alone. I was tired of people asking how we were. The next mother's day, I was pregnant again, but the church didn't recognize me as a mother on mother's day. It broke my heart. I was mother to a baby that had passed around 14 weeks, and I had another baby inside of me growing. I guess I'm still hurt by the fact that they didn't recognize me as a mother. Now, 4 years later, I have 2 beautiful daughters and a wonderful husband that helped me have an amazing Mother's Day weekend, despite this silly cold. :~) Glad you enjoyed your first of many.