As I look forward to celebrating my first mother’s day of having a child in my arms, I can’t help but reflect on where I was at one year ago. WARNING: This blog post may be longer and more gushy and emotional than what our usual blog posts are.
It was in March of 2007 that we lost a baby….a baby that we never even got to meet or hold in our arms. Even though the pregnancy ended fairly early on, we had already had ample opportunity to hope and dream of what it would be like to plan for a little one coming into our lives. We had told our families and a handful of close friends, but otherwise had kept it to ourselves wanting to wait until we had passed the first trimester. Two weeks shy of that, we lost the baby.
Every woman probably fears that something could go wrong during a pregnancy, but I was unprepared for dealing with the emotional loss and was even really upset with God for awhile. I still don’t understand why He would allow us to embrace the idea of becoming parents and get excited about it and then take it back away…..and even further, I don’t understand why He allows 14-year olds and drug addicts to carry a pregnancy full-term when they are in no position to do so and have no desire to do so, but yet doesn’t allow a woman longing for a child to be able to conceive at all! But I know, God is God, and I will probably never understand.
I still remember last year’s Mother’s Day. It was about a month and a half after we had lost the pregnancy. I felt like I had begun to heal, but I knew Mother’s Day would be a setback for me. I remember fighting back tears all throughout the church service, totally consumed with what I didn’t have and the fact that this day would feel very different, and full of joy, instead of bitterness and pain, if I had still been carrying that baby. As I left the sanctuary that day, feeling good that I had held it together and stayed strong, a woman approached me and asked me how I was doing (she was unaware of our recent loss, as was most of our church). I lost it. I began bawling and babbling and sharing with her my heavy heart. Even though this woman had shown care for me and Adam was being very supportive and nurturing, I remember feeling incredibly alone that afternoon. I thought maybe one of the few people who might understand what I was going through that day would be a good friend of mine who had been struggling with getting pregnant for quite a long time. Surely she would be able to identify with my feelings of sadness and disappointment and the pity party that I had thrown for myself. After less than a minute on the phone, she excitedly shared that they had just found out that she was pregnant a few days before. While I was truly thanking God for her current situation, it threw me into a deeper hole of hurt and loneliness. Even today, I still ache and am on the verge of tears as I think about what I was experiencing during that time.
Fast forward to today. We have a healthy and beautiful little boy that has already given us tremendous joy! I was actually pregnant on that last Mother’s Day, but not yet aware of it! I’m incredibly grateful that God has allowed us to bring a child into this world and to experience all that we have. I do think that if it was up to me, I wouldn’t have chosen to have to go through the heart-wrenching pain and disappointment of losing a baby. Yep, pretty sure of that. But it wasn’t up to me. God allowed us to experience that pain and while I can attempt to make a list of what I’ve been able to gain from it, I’ll probably still never understand why God allows certain things to happen. But I do know that God is in control and as long as I continue to keep Him in the center of my life and seek to follow Him, He’s gonna uphold me and bless me beyond what I could ever imagine. And I'm incredibly thankful that I have the opportunity to enjoy this Mother's Day with a sweet little baby.