Sunday, September 27, 2015

2-year Anniversary

Two years have gone by since Adam's accident.
Nobody understands just how much it has changed our lives.
Probably not even Adam and I.

The morning of the 2nd anniversary, I found myself scrolling back through my blog posts and my Facebook posts from 2 years ago.

I was overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed with such a varied amount of feelings and emotions.
I found myself unable to contain my tears.

I think most people probably assume that the anniversary of the accident brings back so many positive emotions since Adam has recovered at the level that he has. And it certainly bring backs a lot of very positive emotions.

Celebrating his fingers being able to move within the first week of his accident.
Seeing Adam be able to walk for the first time when we weren't sure if he ever would.
Feeling such an immense amount of concern and prayers from others.
Being cared for and provided for in so many different and generous ways.
Watching Adam gain back independence over time in all of the ways that we could want for him.
Seeing him get back to an active life with deficits that most would not even notice in watching him.
Feeling God's comfort and presence in the midst of it all.

And I know Adam is good about focusing on all of that. He's so good about it. Without his steady faith and positive outlook, it would be easy for me to stay where I go sometimes mentally.

I remember the traumatic feelings.
The shock of having your regular day turn into something that you will never,ever forget.
The feel of squeezing Adam's hand and it being cold and non-responsive.
Having to make phone calls to family members.
Waking up at night alone and with so many questions and worries.
The feelings of guilt when I was convinced I could not care for a quadriplegic.
Exhaustion. Utter exhaustion. Mentally. Physically.

We still experienced losses.

I miss seeing him excel at sports. Smashing a ball out of the park. Running. Flipping and diving in the pool. Breathing hard from pushing his body as fast and hard as it could go.

It was really fun to watch him.

I wonder if there was an intruder in the house if he could respond fast enough and strong enough in the middle of the night. I used to never worry about that.

I think about what the future holds and what his body will be like in 10 years, 20 years, 30 years....... If this injury will cause him to age differently. If his body will decline faster than other men.

But God (and Adam) remind me to focus on His faithfulness. On His goodness. On all that God has allowed to take place in our lives. How our hearts have changed....for the good. On all of the many, many, many blessings we have.

So, while the anniversary does cause us to celebrate all the wonderful things God has done - and that is certainly what we want to focus on -
It still triggers some difficult thoughts and emotions as well.
I share them not wanting to be negative.
Just to be real. Just to be honest.

To celebrate the anniversary, Adam and I decided awhile back that we would both ride the trail where his accident took place. It was my first time on a mountain bike trail. 
Pre-Ride Face.
Visiting the altar that we made last year at the accident site.

Thankful for where these past 2 years have brought us. 
Thankful for the opportunities it has allowed us. 
Thankful for feeling the care of the body of Christ and our other loved ones.
Thankful for God allowing the recovery that He has.
Thankful for God working in our lives.
Thankful for the chance to praise God for who He is and knowing that He has a plan for us.

Ok, since this post was probably more about me than Adam......
Adam continues to function very well. He still has spasms in his legs and back in the mornings....and sometimes at other times of the day/night. He still has decreased feeling and sensing in his hands. He isn't necessarily doing anything more physical than what he was a year ago. Still can't do anything very quick or agile. He has some other areas where he has less control than what he would like. Overall, he looks like a strapping and strong man still. And you notice that beard?......It's almost hunting season. He can't wait to get out there and have the chance to get a deer.