Sunday, December 01, 2013

Adjusting....but Thankful

Adam's been home for 2 weeks now.

Short story: It's very good to have him home. He is doing very well. We are so grateful for so very much.

Long story: This is all an adjustment. Not necessarily a bad one.

Adam is doing well. He can fully care for himself. Well, I did have to help him with some of his buttons this morning on his shirt. But he even tied his own tie. I insisted he didn't need to wear one. But he still wanted to. Everything just takes him longer than it used to. He is also doing quite a bit with the boys. He insisted on being left on his own when I went into work. He was fully in charge of our 1-year old. Our neighbor helped to pick up Tate from preschool that day. He hasn't been cleared to drive yet (still trying to figure out what he needs to do to be cleared). He insists he would be fine to drive. And I insist we need a professional to tell him that.

Daily he is working on stretching and strengthening exercises. The two older boys think it is fun to go exercise in our basement now also. I've noticed some things that are different about him. His hands are very different. They are much paler and thinner. And they are even "cold" at times. So are his feet. That never happened before. The cold air causes his body to stiffen up quite a bit more also. As I was holding his hand in church this morning, I even noticed that they felt soft and smooth. Very weird. He used to pride himself on his "manly" calloused hands. And I don't know if it's even possible or has any sort of explanation....but he smells different. Not bad. Just different than he used to.

I think I'm doing pretty good. I somewhat still feel like I'm in "survival" mode though. I still feel like a lot is on my shoulders.  I'm getting acquainted with the kitchen and meal planning again, which is good. There are quite a few jobs that I've had to do that normally I would rely on Adam to do. Carrying up all of the Christmas decoration and tree boxes from the basement (why are there so many?!). Shoveling our driveway (three times already and its only December 1!). Driving is my job these days. And I've never liked to drive all that much. I'm a multi-tasker. You can't do much else when you are driving! If we go anywhere, I carry the baby. I've had to become mildly acquainted with the creepy attic space above our garage to get out some seasonal items that Adam always stuffed up there. And I just came off a long Saturday of single parenting as we thought Adam was fighting a stomach bug, but it turns out he took the narcotics that he was prescribed for pain as needed. (He hasn't needed them at all)  He took 2 of them instead of another prescription he was supposed to take. Hmmmm....that would explain him passing out in the bathroom in the middle of the night and feeling nauseous and lightheaded for the whole day.

This is all just teaching me new levels of what loving my family looks like. We still can't estimate what things will look like a year from now. I feel like I'm spread thin and behind on everything, and I know I can't do everything how I want to. And I don't like that feeling. But I know I need to focus on what's important. My attitude. My motivation for my actions. My responses to my husband and children. Not letting little things get me worked up or upset.

And I don't always do a good job with that. I'm snappy sometimes. I yell sometimes. I'm cranky sometimes. I might hold my tongue, but my mind is saying unkind things. But at the end of the day, I thank God for His grace and pray for a new dose for the morning. And then I sleep hard and good.

Every time I think of something that is difficult to deal with, I try to turn it around and find what I'm thankful for in the situation.

Tate had a stomach bug on Wednesday night. Not fun. But it freed up our Thanksgiving as we quarantined ourselves at home and I'm thankful we were able to get all of the Christmas decorations up.

Sometimes I feel the loss of all that has happened. And the loss in Adam's abilities. But I'm thankful I still have him and that he has gained back what he has.

We would have been on our 10-year anniversary trip right now. RIGHT NOW. THIS VERY MOMENT. Groan. Soaking up Caribbean sun. Spending time together away from the demands of parenting and regular life. Relaxing and lounging around. But I'm thankful that we purchased traveler's insurance, and even though I was fairly certain the plan we purchased would not cover 100% of our costs, I'm thankful that our trip has already been fully refunded to us.

I was lamenting to myself a little about having to shovel twice in the same day and that Adam couldn't help. And then my 70-year old widow neighbor saw me and came over and helped. Humbled. Thankful. 

I'll leave you with a picture of the snowman that the boys and I built on Saturday as our snow melted away. Not included in the picture is Heath who was bundled up in puffy coat and pants and sprawled out on our driveway since he couldn't move in all of his winter gear. Thankful for these cuties.